Nyanza, here I come

Well our first tour to Nyanza is in the pipeline and the crazy ODM-Raila hooligans are already preparing for a wee frenzy with lots of head butting and flag waving and angry songs and chanting and taunting between the Raila faithful and their dreaded rivals, the ODM-Kenya fans. Most excited of all are long-suffering members of the Luo Nyanza Needs Development Not Rhetoric Group (LNN-DNR) who have vowed to take to the streets wearing their (our) team's colors (black scarf, blue jeans and white trainers) singing "Unbwogable" and carrying menacing assault tools and looking for ODM-whatever flavour (easy to spot, dressed in Orange) to beat up. Personally I saw this coming ages ago and for years I've fought against the idea of touring Nyanza. Anyway, I got overruled. Luos, in the immortal words of your great writer Okot P'Bitek: Swing your hammers, and let's see what happens.

All joking aside: Luos, I know you're a restless and angry people at heart, but let's try to keep it peaceful, okay? It's what our brand is about. We're all about peace and love and staying Zen. Negative people upset us. But if you can get in a few kicks on some filthy bastard ODM-Kenya fans, and nobody sees you, well, no harm no foul as they say, and you will, in fact, be restoring a sense balance to this country.

Kalonzo is coming to me, but do I say !

These past few days have been a bit hectic, what with my tour of Western. Anyway I have this to announce for all my fans and die-hard supporters of PNU . My guys have been talking with Kalonzo, guess I say we saw no significance of Charity Ngilu, she is a loser anyway, all Kambas are Kalonzos. So we have gotten him and I can now give you a preview of the "I have decided to support Kibaki for president" speech, here goes;

I know this seems like a bold, audacious -- dare I say risky? -- move, especially at a time like this when we as a party are faced with so many enormous challenges and opportunities and hurdles. We are, obviously, at a historic inflection point that approaches in significance some of the other very historic inflection points in the storied, historic history of this great, historic "original ODM". Do we still dare to dream? Do we still dare to change? I say we don't dare to not dream. And we can't dare to not change. Otherwise we start looking like some scared, desperate, terrified party that has totally lost its way and spent these few months in a death spiral and is desperately clutching at any random publicity stunt that it thinks will improve its image, and that is just not who we are or what we are all about. After the change, will we still be the same ODM-Kenya? Of course we will. Except that in many ways -- big, important, fundamental, audacious, brazen, bold ways -- we will not the same party anymore. Will we still have the same focus, the same drive, the same determination to succeed? Of course we will, except that all of those things will be different, and they will be redirecting and changing, because we are, indeed, as we all know, in a country that thrives on change and exists in a state of constant flux, and we too thrive on responding to that change and feeding the protean beast that is ever hungry for new ideas and new challenges and is totally intolerant of standing still and stasic and Also, the new alliance is going to cost parties that are aganist us the elction, notably Raila and other defectors from our original ideals. Also, please disregard those rumors that the ODM-Kenya is playing in a position of weakness, nobody wants to lose or be on the losing side, not me. Not even Uhuru. Nobody in their right mind wants to be a loser this time. Neither does Raila. That is all.

Balala ameparara, his vision

As a person of Middle Eastern descent he says he is going to take a lead role in showing the world how women should be treated. On that note it's also a good opportunity to look at the enormous progress that he is going to make across the entire country when it comes to the treatment of women. For example, consider what will happen to a teenage girl who refuses to marry her father's elderly business partner. In the old days she'd get some serious punishment. Now she only gets tossed into the indian ocean.

Other proposals:

1. Rape victims will no longer be abandoned by families and set on fire. Just abandoned by families.

2. Genital mutilation will be confined to outer labia.

3. Age of consent will be lowered from sixteen to eight. (Seven with permission of parents.)

4. Full head scarves optional on "casual Friday."

5. Women will be allowed to drive, as long as a man is behind the wheel, steering and using the pedals.

6. Forced sex will remain a punishable offense, but women involved will face shorter sentences.

7. Beatings for talking back to husband now will be restricted to arms and legs. And torso. And head.

8. Women who speak to men to whom they are not related will be only jailed. (Except in cases where they will be jailed and then shot.)

At last someone has found a way to make that idiot Kajwang shut the fuck up

Man the air feels cleaner already since that illiterate orangetard Otieno Kajwang went on his strike.. Big Kajwang, king of the naked conversation, says he's outraged because some people said really ugly things about a friend of his named Agwambo or Ruto or something. So, in protest, he has stopped talking. Great idea! Why didn't someone think of this sooner? It's like when Raila will tell his audience to boycott the elections. The whole country will celebrate.

Intolerant people must be silenced

This philosophy is one to which I've adhered for as long as I can remember. It's how I run meetings. It's how I deal with our supporters, our enemies. And our sycophants. And I'm glad to see that this philosophy has now reached the oranges. Folks, there's no room in this world for intolerant people. Life is just too short. Haters, meanies, negative people, people who disagree with me -- I can't have them around. They pollute my inner peace. They fog up my vibe. For me to create, I need optimal conditions. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. Complete and absolute obedience from everyone around me. Do you want the economy to grow 7, 10 or even 15%? Do you want more jobs and opportunities and less corruption? Then get rid of the negative people in the country.

Kibaki has jumped the shark, and I'm like, Hey, look who's talking.

Gist is, I have sold my soul to all these parties -- and MOI , so the game is over. I am toast. And am not even talking, that am retaining my stupid cool.
Well, I realize five years seems like a long time to be cool when, um, you've never been cool for a single minute in your entire life. But trust me, I've been cool for 72 years and I can stay cool for as long as I want. I was cool in high school. I was cool in college. Heck, a-holes, I was cool in the womb. (Though certain people failed to recognize that coolness, much to their lifelong chagrin, and believe me, they know exactly who they are -- the two snobby oranges . That's right, you jerks. You're the lowest of pests. Hope you enjoy living out your days in those living facilities you talk about introducing if you become presidents. What's today? Thursday? I believe dinner is roast beef and some more agreements --eeer arguments. Yummy :)

Kasarani, part 2

I know this is obvious but the reason the orange stumble could be so damaging in Kasarani is that really strong alternatives exist, and the alternatives are seen as cooler. Don't discount the banana factor. It's a real thing. And we've got it in spades. Orange has become the anti-cool, the platform for losers.

The amazing thing is that the Orange stumbled then with a bad stunt just at a time it could least afford such a mistake. Back in the era of the referendum, ODM had the field to itself. Narc-Kenya was still a baby, and Kanu, well, let's say was wandering in a dark place. And ironically in those days ODM was doing decent work. Sort of. Decent for them, anyway.

But now? They're way behind. And people are starting to realize they don't need to put up with Hummers, blame games, and all the other joys of Oranges. We've been hammering on this message for years now and it is starting to sink in, even with total orangetards. Not only is FOAM the cool party, it's also better. Way better. Maybe it's just because I live here on the hill but honestly It's like an IQ test. You see someone cry out Orange and it's like seeing those people in the checkout line at the supermarket store writing a paper check for two thousand shillings worth of stuff. You want to scream at them and go, "Jesus Christ, there's this thing called a debit card, have you heard of it? Or credit cards? Visa? Mastercard? Ringing any bells? No?"

Or, as my buddies put it: "Oranges are for fucking retards."

Everybody's an expert

Some guy who used to work for us says here that the reason we'll be having problems with our re-election is that I don't have enough powerful lieutenants. He says the reason for this is that I won't allow anyone powerful to get underneath me. Suggestion is that "Kibaki is kind of paranoid and insecure". You know what? You'd be paranoid and insecure too if you once got thrown out of your own damn party. So the re-election is gonna be a little tasty. It's also going to be amazing. Have no fear, Kibaki Faithful. We know what we're doing. And there's a reason why this "expert" is no longer in government. As his bio, which I had dug up, by my guys states at the bottom: "His interests include running." Enough said.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings

Kibaki faithfuls, I know some of you are offended or hurt by things you read on this blog. But I can't hold back. I can't censor myself. The idea of this blog is to give you an honest, unvarnished look into my soul. As I've said before, this is what genius looks like. It ain't always pretty. Ever read an interview with Moi? I know you love me. Perhaps thought I would be as whimsical and cheery as Raila Odinga? I'm sorry. Fact is, I'm dark. Is this paradoxical? Not really. Great leadership comes from dark places. This is how the creative process works. This is the hero's journey. In order to be I must wander into the dark shadows in my soul. This blog is a way for you to accompany me on that journey. If you'd rather not go there -- if you'd rather just praise and marvel at how good I am, and not know about my demons -- I understand. I don't blame you. The journey is often unpleasant for me too. There are many times I wish I could be spared, my cup taken away. Alas, it is my destiny to suffer so that others might enjoy the finest President Kenya will ever have. All I ask is that you use your voters' card to elect me. Peace be with you, my peace I give you. I honor the place where you and I come together (and where you, very often, don't enjoy this experience).

Here's the guy who wants to put me into retirement

Meet William Ruto. He's one of the dicks in the Orange something party, and he's got a total hard-on for yours truly. He's young, and wound super tight in the way that only Nandi dudes can be. Like if he'd ever got less than a 100 on a test in kindergaten he would have killed himself. Unfortunately this never occurred, so he lived to go on to some college and now gets to direct some hits to me.

See a story about him here. They make a big deal out of what an "animal" he is. Which is true. He's kind of a warthog, I'd say. But no worries. I have a few animals of my own in his team, including one guy who only works undercover, off the record, not for attribution. The DP family keeps them on a permanent retainer.

We'll fuck up Ruto and we're doing it on purpose. And it drives the friggin kid nuts, I swear.